Of Boarding Schools And Depression

Shame is what I feel.Because of my thoughts and my ignorance.I used to believe that depression and suicide were for the weak.I believed that whenever you felt down, you pull your damn socks up and soldier on.I never had any pity for people who shed tears because I believed it was a sign of weakness.I was a hypocrite in some ways.Pretending to console people,while inside I looked down on them.Was I a sociopath.Maybe I was? Maybe I was just dead inside.Just a husk of a human being.

But all that changed.I don’t know what triggered it,what started it all.Maybe it was just karma,maybe it was just bad luck.But I remember it.It was the first day of school, boarding school to be specific.This was usually a bittersweet day.On one hand you get to see your friends but on the other, your back to school.But I will never forget the next morning.I remember waking up the next morning with a sinking feeling in my stomach.I couldn’t get myself out of bed.I felt like I was drowning but couldn’t swim to the surface.I felt such grief as if I was struggling to breath.I felt like I was hiding under the bed while a monster was waiting for me to come out.That day I did not feel like a soldier.I was scared.I was not sure of what.I was pulled out of bed by a friend,he thought I had overslept,if he only knew the truth.I thought I was going to feel better, that the dark clouds would clear and rays of sunshine would break through.But it didn’t,for some reason all my brain could think of was every bad memory I had ever had,every heartbreaking moment I had felt in my life.I still get chills when I think of those moments.

Imagine feeling like this for every single day of your life.I don’t remember how long it lasted.But I do remember it came without warning and destroyed every fragment of my being.I don’t remember what exactly pulled me out of that dark hole.Maybe it was my friends since they gave me a distraction from myself and my thoughts.The hustle of schoolwork helped too.Really anything to keep my mind busy.Because if I was left alone with my thoughts I’m not really sure what I would have done to myself.I really wish people would stop trivialising depression.I wish people would try to understand it first.Sometimes I go back to those feelings,but they seem to pass like dark clouds.But for some its not so simple.My heart and thoughts go out to everyone who has to deal with this everyday.


15 thoughts on “Of Boarding Schools And Depression

  1. It’s a really sensitive topic and a lot of people make depression trendy and actually don’t know what it can do to a person. I feel like with the use of the images you’ve given a really vivid story of what you had to deal with, honestly, bravo to you because a lot of people would hate to write about times like this because that it means you have to look back on them.
    You’re doing well & I hope that continues x

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    1. I agree so much. I’ve ,drew lots of people who seem to think it’s just a cool adjective to add to their Instagram. They don’t realise that it’s real and not a fashion accessory

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  2. OK, I agree the struggle is real. Depression and vulnerability are real tropic; and I admire your bravery here. However, when we are down ;I believe that : On the one hand, we can take full responsibility for our lives and do something about it or we can choose to give up. I believe that we are most afraid by our light rather than our darkness.On the other hand, I am not claiming here that I fully understand you ; because I am simply not in your d’hôtes. So, I won’t judge your issues with it.Nevertheless, I trully advise you to watch the Tedxtalk entitled:The Power of Choice. What’s more, talking about shame and vulnerability : the work of Brene Brown is an amazing guide. Great piece though, thank you for your honesty and boldness around these topics;)
    Mary jokes:)

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      1. Personally I am dealing with a diagnosis of a rare disease which would require me to take medication from the rest of my life and I ve also learned that my brother take weed and lots of struggles so trust me I have thousand of reason to stay in the hole but I made the choice to be happy no matter what because I have the luck to be alive and that life is short so I want to savor each bite of it.

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      2. I’m very sorry but you totally missed my point.The depression I speak of is the kind where you have no reason to be sad but you can’t stop feeling that suicide is the best option.Its more a medical condition than a state of mind.Its less of a choice but a state of being.

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  3. I respect your sharing this. Depression can be debilitating, an underlying dragon that robs you of the ability to choose happiness for yourself. Best wishes 🙂

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